If you’re consulting a Mayan calendar to figure out what’s going to happen in 2012, then maybe it’s true; the apocalypse is near. Because you’re freakin’ crazy; and if enough people are that ignorant, paranoid or insane, I suppose anything’s possible.
The scholars all tell us the calendar marks the end of an age, not the end of the world. But who listens to scholars, anyway? What do they know?
The ancient Mayans like the ancient Incans and most other ancient civilizations were into astrology – they studied the stars. This is most likely because they didn’t have television, Blackberries or iPhones. Heads were tilted up to the sky at an awkward angle all night instead of hunched over looking down toward their palms all day and night. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?
So it’s not the end of the world; it’s the end of the Piscean Age moving into the Aquaurium age, or something like that. Bellbottoms might be coming back. That’s pretty scary, but it’s not the end of the world.
Every narcissist (self-obsessed) civilization or culture since the cracked up dawn of man has imagined the world would end on their particular shift. It used to just take a lunar eclipse or a passing comet to send people in complete panic running for the exit doors. But like I said, we’ve come a long way. Now it takes technology.
In 1939 it took radio – a broadcast by Orson Welles of H. G. Wells “War of the Worlds” imagining an invasion from Mars. In 1962 it took ICBMs armed with nuclear warheads – and the possible mutual destruction of two paranoid nation superpowers during the Cold War. In 2000, it took computers – and the wide swept paranoia that their circuitry would implode during a digital do-over.
So what does it say that, in 2012, all it takes is an 800 year-old calendar put together by people that ran around half naked and played basketball with decapitated heads? Doesn’t that seem like one giant leap backward in the people’s progress of paranoia?
I don’t want to take away anyone’s fun. We all had a blast in the 1980’s re-deciphering every stanza of 16th century seer Nostradamus for clues to our imminent world destruction. In 1987, we even convened millions of concerned souls to meditate to hold the planet together during the Harmonic Convergence. It must have worked, because Gorbachev unexpectedly threw his arms up, declared the arms race to build bigger and better weapons of mass destruction as total madness, backed down, and effectively ended the 40-year cold war between the Soviet Union and America.
So in the spirit of optimism and ‘been there, done that,’ I offer instead …
10 random things to look forward to in 2012 besides the Apocalypse.
- Mad Men season five. Where Sally Draper finally calls her mother a ‘bitch.’
- The Republican Reality Series. Let’s face it; no show has offered more entertainment value these past few months than this family feud between rich science-deniers, bigots (nod nod wink wink code phrase, “we want to take this country back”) and the brain dead trying to out-asshole each other.
- The Summer Olympics in London. Personally, nothing bores me more than watching athletes run around a track, but the opening and closing ceremonies come on like Cirque de Soleil on crack.
- A new desktop PC with an awesome processor that can handle Arma II without lagging. (My son added this one.)
- A job. And if you have a job; an easier job, where you aren’t doing the work of three other workers who were laid off to keep corporate profits relentlessly moving up during a global recession.
- Adele’s next album. I just pity the poor bloke who broke up with her since the last one who is going to be eviscerated and castrated by these songs much to the delight of music-lovers everywhere.
- Game of Thrones season 2. Okay, I admit I watch too much television and should probably take up star-gazing again.
- The Supreme Court upholding the Affordable Heath Care Act in June. Why am I fairly certain of this? Because despite their conservative majority, the high court are mostly strict constitutional scholars … plus they need to make up for the most idiotic decision ever passed – Citizens United; which gave corporations the same status as people, but with an unlimited ability to donate to an election candidate through Super PACs.
- Occupy America, Spring Edition. Yes, as winter passes, the 99 %-ers will be in full bloom again like you have never seen them before, putting on such a massive display of passion and solidarity that will finally jolt the patriotism and shame of a enough 1%-ers to actually admit they wouldn’t have gotten there without riding on the backs of the 99%-ers, and raise our collective consciousness just enough to truly usher in a more enlightened age of Aquarius. Maybe the Mayan calendar was right after all.
- Obama’s inevitable re-election. I figure I lost most of you haters during the Republican primary ‘assholes’ remark or with #9, but look at it this way … What leader was better equipped personality-wise to never lose his cool, never panic, never get too emotionally frustrated, and to lead us with a steady and stable demeanor during the most hyperventilating natural, political and economic disaster-ridden period of our history than … Spock?Happy New Year, everyone!
— A. Wayne Carter