Archive for December, 2012

Predictions for 2013

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

 

Happy New Year!

Aren’t you  glad that last one is over? I know I am.

I’m also relieved to report that, despite some interpretations of the ending of the 5,000 year cycle Mayan calendar, the world did not come to an end on December 21, 2012.

However, it’s a fact the Mayan calendar NEVER actually predicted the end of civilization; it only predicted the coming of Honey Boo Boo.

Of course, most scholars say that’s the same thing.

But in the spirit of wildly speculative predictions attributed to the Mayan calendar, I hereby present MY wildly speculative predictions for 2013:

 

… Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will join the cast of “The Walking Dead” next season… playing himself.

…It’s possible the universe WILL implode when matter and anti-matter collide in the form of Mariah Carey and Nikki Minaj working together on American Idol.

…The Supreme Court will legalize gay marriage AND marijuana, but everyone will be too stoned to remember what sex they are.

… Redskins 5,000; Patriots 50. Wait a minute, sorry about the mix up, but that’s not a prediction for the Super Bowl… that was the final score of Custer’s Last Stand.

…Dedicated doctors and research scientists will finally find a cure once and for all… for Gangnam Style.

… The world WILL come to a cruel end for teenage girls everywhere when Taylor Swift DOES NOT break up with her latest bad boy boyfriend, Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un, Jr., and fails to release a new album of chirpy revenge songs.
…In a major Oscar Ballot screw-up , Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” will lose Best Picture at the Academy Awards to “Lincoln the Vampire Slayer” at the Oscars. Way to swing an ax, Abe.

… The world will be miraculously spared any more sequels to “Twilight.”

The first new gun control law will be a test for mental illness to prevent you from owning a gun. If you are a civilian and want to own an assault weapon… you are mentally ill.

And, finally.

… Zombies will invade Washington,D.C.seeking to eat the brains of our Congressmen… and will promptly starve and die. Again.

— A. Wayne Carter